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Humor













God's Help!

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.

He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away.

The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

Author Unknown


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Church Football Definitions

  Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
  invitation.


  Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

  Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many
  choose to leave.


  Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do
  anything but sit.


  Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
  fountain) during the service.


  Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should
  be given to the Lord's work.


  Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is
  almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.


  Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last
  week's illustrations.


  Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
  congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."


  Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

  End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest
  or fellow member.


  Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
  sermon to affect your life.


  Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to
  return for the evening service.


  Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.


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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening Massage - 6 PM

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For those of you have have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.


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Jesus is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are
any way?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name
a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!


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Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. "B-b-but how?" he stutters. "I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles. "Everybody knows that. Jesus saves."



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Asking God For Help

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the babysitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car.
 
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
 
She bowed her head and asked God for help. An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????"
 
But she was desperate, and thankful.
 
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car.
 
"He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.
 
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
 
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud.....
 
THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
 
Author Unknown


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